Borderline Personality Disorder
As an only child, I had to play by my self a lot.
One of my favorite games was Chinese checkers.
Of course, most of the time I had to play against my self.
I would start out being GREEN. The opponent me was RED.
But if RED started to win, I would quickly remind my self that in reality I was both GREEN AND RED not GREEN OR RED.
So, the part of me that wanted to win at all costs would readily choose who I really was in order to accomplish the sweet end goal of winning.
Mind you, I never cheated…there really was no point when I could choose who I wanted to be depending on any given situation.
The real GREEN me could summon the opponent RED me at will, whenever there was a zero-sum game of win or lose to be played. In the beginning, opponent RED me would go away when she was not needed. But little by little, she began to hang around my life for longer and longer periods of time. Her voice grew louder and louder. Opponent RED me literally grew more powerful within my head than real GREEN me was. Until the day, I don’t remember when, opponent RED me sort of decided to stay, period.
Somewhere along the line though, I got really confused…there were now two separate entities within me. One, opponent RED me, speaking loudly over the other…constantly arguing and growing more abusive. At times of distress or emotional upheaval, I could no longer discern which was my GREEN voice and which one was my make-belief opponent RED. RED’s voice grew louder and louder, more and more abusive and intolerant of mistakes or losses. And over time, the WINNER me sort of took over, drowning out the loser GREEN me we no longer needed.
I forgot there was another me, the original GREEN me who had actually invented the WINNER me to keep me company on lonely days…and this is the way I made my way through life, confused about who I really was for over 30 years.
I lived with a rabid tormentor within my head…constantly abusing me, berating me, putting me down, reminding me that I was all alone, that I was unloved and unlovable, that the world was against me, that the universe had turned its back on me, that I was odious and undeserving of anything good in this world. Constantly reminding me, never letting me forget not even for a second, that I was nothing without opponent RED…I was only a loser without the WINNER me.
These are the symptoms manifested by this disorder:
– Black and White thinking…difficulty accepting gray areas
– Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees, or illegal drug use (Shopaholic)
– Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
– Wide mood swings
– Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
– Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
– Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
– Suicidal behavior
– Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
– Fear of being abandoned
– Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing
– Insecure sense of who you are
– Your self-image, self-identity or sense of self often rapidly changes (feel like a sieve)
– You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes you may feel as if you don’t exist at all.
– An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals and values
– Relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings.
I hope my journey of healing will bring the Light and Love we all need to live our lives fully, in peace and joy, feeling absolutely adored. Sat Nam. Love and Light! 180-